Stevie B

Never mind the jokes

Perhaps I was just the right age to be suitably titilated by a post prime-time concoction of pop trivia and bad language, but whatever it was, I certainly enjoyed Never Mind The Buzzcocks when I was a lad. Looking back, it had a certain pre-smoking ban charm about it; a devilish glee on the faces of the panel as they twisted the knife. Of course, after Mark Lamarr they eventually went with Simon Amstell as the long-term presenter (who I personally think got a little overpraised for his stint in the chair) and these days it is a revolving door policy which is always going to mean the show is a bit hit and miss.

I’m not sure if it was a repeat, but this week I caught Tinie Tempah hosting. And ‘caught’ seems right because he was bang to rights on a litany of charges against comedy. But my main concern was the the lines he had been given, which were, presumably, beyond his control. I can only think that when Amstell left the show he must have left the back gate open and the more inquisitive writers tumbled along after him.*

“Gene Simmons has the longest tongue in the world,” announced Tinie, “even longer than the one Louis Walsh sticks up Simon Cowell’s arse.”

Oh please. This isn’t a joke; it’s a hopeful colletion of famous names and a reference to analingus that I genuinely can’t understand. Humour me (if you still can, Buzzcocks) but are we suggesting Simon Cowell permits Louis Walsh to pleasure him, rectally, in order for the Irishman to keep his seat on the X Factor? Firstly, I’m not sure this would be Cowell’s cup of Earl Grey and secondly, if he wants to get his rocks off, considering he has a fortune that could buy him several planets, do we really think he would turn to an overactive adrenal gland like Walsh, (who, we must all agree, is more likely to be a figment of our collective imagination than a real person)?

Buzzcocks, drop your glue and B&H and come out from behind the bike sheds with some jokes; it needn’t be this way at all.

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*New figures from the Inquisitive Writers Trust suggest that on average 345 stray writers are picked up every day.